Insecurity?

Insecurity, not being secure in who you are, being comfortable with yourself.

I wouldn't say I have been struggling with it in a big way per se, but I have been hanging out with bunch of people that are younger than me, and the strangest thing is that their not very much younger, but yet it was for a while made me feel.. uh.. maybe old or boring. Hahah.

Ok, let me put this in better perspective. Simply put, my urban life or cell groups that I've been going to, most of them are at most 20, I reckon the average age in the cell group is around 19,20. Which is about 2 to 3 years younger than me, and the youngest is those straight out of high school in trinity, which is about 4 years. Sometimes its a bit hard to communicate, well even some of them my age its also hard to communicate. Like I'm on a different mindset at times when approaching life. They are too carefree whereas I am too... don't know what word do I use, focused? Tights? Think too much? Melancholic? Pondrous? Haha, now I'm starting to brag.

And although i wouldn't say I have been trying hard to fit in. But it did quite pose a question to my character, which I have been pondering about. I am with like-minded people in terms of Christ, but not necessarily like minded in terms of will, calling, and purpose. But I guess it's just a matter of looking around, which they are there, just I haven't been looking hard enough. Concerning this of my thoughts I've went through over these past few weeks and probably months, I'm writing this in a thought, putting thought on paper to be revised. I tend to like this moment of reflection, to write, then rethink, then redo it again and again. Something of a discipline I am trying to adopt.

But then again, the past 4 years since after high school has been one of tremendous growth that sometimes I feel I'm jumping the steps because I've been mentored by my brother and sister in law, great Men of God, and many other interesting people i've come across or read about in my life. And I thank God, the seeds has started bearing fruit. Especially since coming to Australia, it's been another jump in growth in planetshakers and just simply living here, coping studies, work, church and friends.

I thank God I have been exposed a little to the harshness of this world, but never burnt, especially in terms of fear and poverty. Which would either make you bitter, or stand up and come to realization of needing Jesus more in our life. I thank God I've reaped not bitterness, but a bigger realisation where we cannot live life as the world views it. But MUST live life based on how God views it for us in our lives, in other words, the Kingdom realm. Being Kings and Priests. God's starting to reveal some light on this in my life, and I love it how it's so inter-related to Grace.

Ok, back to insecurity issues. I had to take some time to meditate on this issue, and I thank God for Pastor TD Jakes, my brother and Billy. Pastor TD Jakes preaching on dreams, goals, passion etc made me rethink what I stood for, what I believe I am going to do, and put me right back on track as to what I am called for, what my passion is. And same with my brother, who I had a chit chat with asking about his experiences with Pastor Vernon who is also a amazing man of God in healing and deliverance ministry as I was romantisized by the calling, which I needed to rethink, as I am romantisized with the ups but not thinking about the downs such as what that must be sacrificed out of obedience to pursue the dreams to be like Pastor Vernon and Pastor Bill Johnson, to be honest, I would obey and do it, but I have not the passion nor the calling, and it would be in vain if I pursue. And Billy, who his coolness just rubs off on to me, and begs the question where was my cool in the Lord? It kinda went out the window. :P

I believe My life, my destiny, my calling is different than others. Where I question myself trying to conform to people around me just to fit in, I should be conforming to the mind of Christ. I like how TD Jakes put it, "that we shouldn't care what the world thinks, some would laugh, some come to despise, and then some would eventually hate and fear you". It's the eventuality of following your dream, your purpose which God has set for you. Why the hate, the despise? Because you are destroying the works of the evil one by your blessings, your gifts, your fulfillment of HIS purpose.