Who am I (Part 1)

I am intrigued by the issue of personality. Stealing from wikipedia, "Personality can be defined as a dynamic and organized set of characteristics possessed by a person that uniquely influences his or her cognitions, motivations, and behaviors in various situations" (Ryckman, 2004). Simply put, I love people and how they react to a situation. One of the bad habits I've recently picked up is trying to understand why people act the way they act, think the way they think, and do the things they do. And even worse yet, is adopting it into my personality just to see if it fits me, but I'll go more into that later.

And I guess it goes to the root core that perhaps I was insecure in my own personality,I am seeking for a better way of life. Many of us take after the culture or the thoughts of our parents. If not our parents, perhaps our friends. A large proportion of who we are is by imitating others, but there is also a 'you'. Remembering a movie that I loved watching over and over again called "Dark City" which questions the issue of the soul, where aliens transferring memories into a small sample of humans to investigate whether we are truly blank slates, or are we actually our own person?

Yeah, going back to the point of seeking a better way of life. I think it comes from knowing that there is a better one than the one I am currently living. Not that I've been reading a lot of self-help books, but I do believe in the power of thoughts. That the thoughts we carry whether we know it or not, it does affect our personality. And the guiding thoughts are called principles. From principles, we make our decisions, whether our principles are misguided or flawed.

Even the bible exhorts this; Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the (pattern) of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

I believe that Jesus was a man of principles. The things he taught while he was living, the things he taught on living, are all principles. He lived by the Spirit, but even God has his personality that he never betrays who He is. Hence Jesus taught us how to pray, how to live your life. Hmm, I can go exogetically into it, but I need to sleep later. Haha.

Okay, not to sidetrack, the problem starts when I went on a personal journey of self-exploration sometime early 2008. An Inward examination of my principles, my guiding thoughts. Then I went outside, exploring others, comparing, trying to understand people and those that I find unique, I try and adopt it unto my own, see if it fits the puzzle of who I am and can I be better with it? Then from there, I started going into the bible, taking principles, comparing to my life and adopting them forcing myself to comply into behaviours and thoughts that are more in aligned with the word.

And you know what was the outcome? I felt lost, wondering who really is John? I became depressed, felt self-centred, insecure, and just incredibly uncomfortable with who I am. I felt like I was useless, and weak in my will. Someone not of any worth, and have no potential future. I felt unloved, and despised. I even felt struggling to keep sane, like my thoughts we unbalanced, something felt wrong with me all the time. Haha! I had became obsessed with my weakness, not ever going to live up to my own expectations and my own dreams. Forever to live a life mediocrity and never living. I felt like a worm.

To say with some sense of humour looking back at it, It was Definitely one of the most unique moments in my life. But you know what, I got set free by his word. Collosians chapter 3 found me.

Collosians 3: 1 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand.2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

What was I doing wrong the entire time? It's called Necrophilia. Making love with the dead. I started finding out the old man as in the book of Romans, Paul calls it the flesh, and romancing with him again. The problem about inward looking, is that you will definitely find something wrong with yourself. There is a thousand different things wrong with yourself. If there was nothing wrong, Jesus wouldn't need to die.

I had forgotten, that the old me has died, and I have been finding him out, chopping myself to bits when I have been raised to a new life with Christ. So.....Who is John? My real-life is hidden with Christ in God. I remembered someone quoted this, I think it's Pastor Russell Evans "You look inwards, you get depressed, you look outwards you get suppresed, you look upwards, you get refreshed".

Who is John? vs.4 "When Christ, Who is your life is revealed to the whole world (appear). You will share in all his glory". The thing is that I am so eager to find out who I really am, in order to fix myself. The problem is that, you CAN NEVER find out who you really are by finding for yourself.For you are HIDDEN with Christ, you live by the Spirit, not by fixing the flesh. Things with Christ have to be revealed by revelation, not found. You can only find out more about yourself when you find for Christ. By seeing him, we are being changed from glory to glory.

God changes us when we seek him, not when we seek ourselves and trying to fix ourselves. The Word of God is a double edged sword. One of the things I was doing which I feel isn't the smartest thing, is to take the word of God, boil it down to principles. Nothing wrong with that, but when I start mincing myself to bits with the sword, that is where I felt broken all in the inside. For the word is also life, and Daddy God is more interested in transformational change not just theological. He didn't die so that you changed your theology. He didn't die so that your principles are changed, he died for You for a relationship, I had been romancing with the wrong person, my flesh and not Christ.

If you feel that you are a no good dirty rotten fella, it's because you have not seen Christ. The lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, shall surely take away yours, and renew you, and lift you up from the miry clay.

And that practically saved me from a lot more months of feeling mental. :D Interesting isn't it?

2 Corinthians 10: 3 We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. 4We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. 5 We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 6 And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.

Yeah. Thoughts, thinking too much, the whole gamut of how It came to be, is interesting. I always felt that depression is getting trapped in your thoughts. Whether the thought might be worry, emotions that you can't get out, or even mine, the thought of seeking self-change so badly I went on a crusade of self and couldn't get out.

So thank God, he set me free. The thought that, my future is safe with Him despite the circumstances of life. Yeah, it finally gave me a peace of mind. :D