2010 and beyond

I've been spending a little time just reflecting on 2009. To be honest, was feeling depressed about it at first, but what really got me up again was reading Keith Craft's blog. - http://keithcraftblog.com/

At most times, our perspective is really myopic. For some strange reason, we are more likely to remember the pains than the joys. 2009 has been an intriguing year.

It's been a year of more pain than I can ever remember, pain, loneliness and just sadness and darkness. It could be starting work really early, and ending the day really late. It felt like a long dark year, with a very dark and cold winter waking up at 4 or 5am's below 0 degrees, probably it felt elongated as I had a very bad second half of 2008 struggling with poverty, then 2009 It got better however there were very strong highlights of pain rather than joy, from fighting depression and the stone in my bladder.

It had been a year of disappointment followed by just times of lack of vision, I felt at times I was just going through the motions, living each day for the next paycheck, and not too sure what I even did with my money in all honesty.

Encouragement was hard to come by, and just felt like I wanted to sleep it all away.

There is a good tiredness, tiredness from a effecient and productive day. Then there is the fatigue from the lack of vision, where the reality of life is the tragedy that you have come to nothing, you just want it all to go away.

Being angry doesn't help, and struggle all you want, the waves are just too high, the current too strong, I felt like I was drowning.

Nevertheless, God wasn't far, it had been a season of being set apart. The life lessons on 2009 had been tremendous, especially a challenge to the things I once held to the core. Who I really am. I despise being a public success but a private failure. That I say "yeah I'm doing well", but in truth I'm hurting on the inside. The imploding feeling, that I just want to be away from anyone that when I do come to the end of self, I won't hurt you.

I am sick of the pretending and the masks.

I'm not saying you should wear a depressed look everywhere you go, but there is a power found in Jesus. Found in the secret place of spending time with the lover of my soul. The honest cry of the heart that I need You, as I cannot keep on living life as the way it is. Life is meant to be taken by faith, it is impossible to rationalize the plans and purpose, and just be faithful with what we have in our hands. The peace of God which lies inside, in the moments of just worship and pausing to hear the sweet small voice.

I had a vision, despite all the darkness that surrounded my heart, deep inside, I felt my heart was covered in darkness, just the anxiety and fear, but deeper still, was a throne, and Jesus sat on it, and He wasn't moved. That though the world, the devil, whoever try and sift me, God is there for me always, though I may be dangling before the abyss, He has me in his arms, He will protect my heart, protect my mind, and He is there for me always.

In dark nights of the soul, is where God can tear down the masks, and unveil the vulnerabilities, the holes. Yes, there is the warm love, the comforter Holy Spirit who passes by in the night and in the quiet time of the mornings. But I've learned that it is not good for man to live alone. Towards the end of 2009 it is also a year God has asked me to reinvest again into relationships.

Blessed are you who has friends who still believes in you even once you stop believing in yourself. Someone where you can be open and just be real. It doesn't mean you have to all the time moan about your problems, but someone who really cares about you, a friend that see's through your masks and won't stop being a pain till he gets down to the truth of the matter ,someone willing to not just be there by your side, but someone who can slap you silly and drag you by the toes out of the mire of self-pity and self-loathing, then set you again high with the encouragement, promises and prophecies.

It's not found only in one person, but I want a collective of small group of friends, who has the same pursuit and passions in life, living life together in Christ. Men and Women of God seeking Real Fellowship. In all honesty, I am still on that journey of finding them. But these kinds of fellowship doesn't start overnight, but through a life-long process, and I have to start somewhere.

Somehow 2009 was a year I opened up myself to pain. Not only mine, but of others. Somehow bumping into many many lonely and hurting people. At the end of this year, I feel the incredible necessity of having the Lord Jesus being Lord in my life. It is only in us being blessed are we able to bless others.

The world is hurting and dying, and we need the Kingdom Power of King Jesus manifesting here on earth through our lives, God can choose to use his angels, but He has given us His Children the specific job, and He has also imparted to us the Holy Spirit, the same power that raised Christ from the dead resides in you and me.

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2009. I felt although it was a regretfully painful year. It was a year of tremendous growth, especially in my conduct and work ethic. More so, my integrity and character.

At the last church service, I was regretting the choices in this year. But I felt God was putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, that this year was the sweat and tears of a foundation of bigger things to be built on. The Foundation of a building has to be the strongest part of the building, and at times it involves being piled, speared by a giant metal rod for the sake of ensuring a deep foundation, to dig in deep to clean out the issues of the heart yet to be settled, to dig out the stones embedded into the heart.

2010, A lot of Pastors are proclaiming this is a year of double return and great favour. Even those that don't prophecy about these things are shouting from the rooftops and going out on a limb about this. I know our eyes are not meant to be on the year, but God does work in seasons.

I don't want to miss it. Not again. Lord, help me, let me be there to catch the wave, I want to be propelled into the destiny in which you have set before me, and I have to be ready. With You I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It's going to be an interesting year.

Get ready get ready get ready get ready.